God as I knew Him....

“Ye deva, mogala tharoka, srushti aani munshya rosnara, tuje sorshi yevnk asheta” (O God, so loving and provident, creator of the universe and all human beings, I long to come to you- the first prayer I learnt and the base of my understanding of God)
Little did I know what I was meant to be,
The little nascent feelings of the early kid hood!
God, man or animal mattered nothing but a farce of a finitude
It was a blank sketch of an unseen future, perhaps never dreamt
The moment I stepped into the ‘dark world’ as it seemed,
Breath held me at sway with life to fight against with me.
It was entry of an unknown kind, a mistake by His hesitant hands
The first three days in the Intense care unit marked my beginning
Driving my dear ones to nothing but hope in Him who alone could save
Strange it looks but true it is the seed of faith I seem to have planted
The prayers did were answered of a faith unprecedented,
Life was what I came back to with another life of a tiny tot
They loved me, they held me tight to heart never did they let me down
It was a gift of million worth, of joy that could never be bought
Yes! I met Him there in those fine moments and asked Him who HE was?
No answer did he give but a smile profound
And left it to my dear ones to help me discover the mystery so surmount
Thus began the journey of this pilgrim in search of Him, who He meant it to be?
Memories so sweet go back to my granny’s lap,
Where the first alphabets of the so called ‘religion’ I learnt
Stories she did tell from The Book with style no one can match
Adam and Eve, Abel and Cain, and Noah and Moses were her famous characters
Style so unique, with which she reveal to me the history of the Israel and their God,
And then she would say with awe so frightening how meticulous was our God.
I grew to believe that He must be fearsome, strict, watching over us day and night
With goodies to shower when we do good and wrath of anger when we went awry
Yes! A grandpa God was what I dreamt God to be, with beard long and white.
My first prayers taught me of Him, who was big, unreachable, high in the clouds,
And when we prayed I looked up into the clouds if I could have a glimpse of Him whom they adored.
When violent sea roared at the backyard it meant God was angry and fear went down the spine
When thunder and lightening struck, it revealed His form so furious,
With tears and trembling, we fell on our knees and pleaded to be spared from harm
Every time I did wrong, a strange fear came upon me,
For I thought He was watching over me and would punish!

Years rolled by and so did my concept of God!
At doors of the Parish Church and between the four walls of school,
I came to know Him, and learn of a God, who was not just a grandfather!
My Teacher in my Sunday school introduced me to a God who was loving and caring
She told me of the God of the New Testament in Jesus, a God who came down for us
As I grew I couldn’t but forget my old God and believe in my new found faith
He became my God, always there to listen to me and when I faltered forgive me
When there were confessions, it meant a serious duty to wash my dirty lines.
There was no fear that sent me on my knees, but a fear that brought me close.
On my communion, they said, ‘Jesus has come into you’, but I was disappointed
The host and the wine which I thought would be tasty and sweet proved no good.
When I was given the sacrament of confirmation, they said Holy Spirit would come
It made me feel strange sensations in my being,
And every time I felt chill or shiver I thought it was the Holy Spirit!

Stepping into the doors the novitiate saw a sea of change in my relation to God.
There did I meet Him so closely that everything changed,
‘Oh God!’ turned to ‘my God’ and with it every bit of my faith!
My mentors took me to the heart of Him whom I sought
Whom I adored and whom I historically misspelt!
I knew Him yet I knew Him not…I met Him yet I touched Him not…
The God of the Exercises took me by surprise,
For the first time I closed my eyes in deep pause and did get shaken
A storm broke out in the sea of my inner cathedral…
For the First time I sighed with tears in my eyes, ‘My God and my Lord….!’
He became me friend, my companion, my master and my lover.
The day I remember so bright in my side, I fought with myself a battle apart
I opened my history, of dark days and foils to my novice master dear
I thought he would banish me from the order of the fine
Nay…He did in turn tell me, ‘Rayan, He hath called thee,
Thou art found worthy of His sight, He hath erased the blemish of thy past!’
Joy unbound did I feel of my life, I ran to the Alter to thank my God.
He became my darling, my everything, my life…
He remained my single beloved until I crept into the world of the lovers of wisdom!
Plato, Aristotle, Socrates and Augustine, Kant, Descartes, Pascal and Thomas
Nietzsche, Sartre, Freud and Marx, Cyril, Therukkatil, Subhash and Karu
All confused the entire God of mine; all made the Kichdie of my faith so fine
Something struck hard, I felt on my head… ‘Where am?’ I shook myself.
Being, Sacred, soul and body; natural, real, phenomenological and metaphysical
Upheaval rose in the depth of my being, at once I said, ‘There is no God!’
Thus began a journey benign, into the dark tunnel in search of light
Flickering light sometime it showed, while darkness unbound every where strode
Poverty, liberation, hunger and violence; Hinduism, Jainism, Buddhism and Islam
Sent a message deep into my whines… ‘Ah God! Who are you?’ I asked my God.
From God to no God to God again I travel…
I search for Him; I hope to find Him….
And continue my digging….deep….deep…still deep……!

God as I know Him now…

On the path of evolution, my understanding of God has, for a greater extent, evolved rather than purified, for I wouldn’t agree for a pure concept of God. Perhaps it can never be there! I settle for the search of a God, who is ever changing and never static. He is a changing phenomenon for me, though permanent that He is. From the Ancient Ages where God was believed to be living high in the clouds, an entire new concept of the One Sacred across all religions has evolved in the Modern Age. Today it’s God, here and now. And so is my understanding of God.

I do have made a progress along the way of my faith pilgrimage, in coming to an ever renewed vision of God, which are the fruits of my philosophical reflection and the class inputs. Listening and interacting with friends and teachers, I stand in position not just to take a reasonable risk as Cyril would say, but taking St Ignatius’ Discernment into consideration and follow a decisive discernment in choosing what is more optimistic. From the fences of childish faith to the barracks of adolescence, my faith in, and image of God, has grown the feathers of time and truth to soar into the skies of adult faith, on the wings of freedom and in search of a ever greater ‘Sacred’, who is within and in every animate being.

Pondering over the popular idols of God in the philosophy of religion, I do find certain truth in each one of them, though as idols apart they stand in exaggeration. I believe that these images of God are not self founded and believed by any individual with conviction. But fed into the individual across years of innocence and ignorance and enforced by others who in turn themselves had followed the aforementioned process. Thus I insist on taking them as mistakes of ignorance and like from every mistake, draw the spark of truth and develop a concept which is deeply personal and appealing to reason and faith, after decisive discernment.

I myself have been part of this faith forming process which has helped me to come home to the shore of the great leap of faith wherein I can say with confidence that I do have a concept of God, which not just knowing but one which has gone through the test of fire and has emerged from a decisive discernment. The “aspirin” god is a god in need only. (God in need is God indeed!!!) but if we were to go with the quoted text- ‘to drive away spiritual “headache”’-, I think all should have gone to Him, in today’s world, every now and then. For in the very depth of every human being there is a ‘spiritual headache’ which creates a need for God. There will be people in the future who perhaps may find it impossible to survive without this pill of ‘aspirin god’, like they do on sleeping pills!!! The point I want to make is that though much of the aspirin god stands in derision, we can’t deny that there is an ounce of truth in it too. And the truth is that we need god! And the realization that not only in pain but at all times to feel the need for Him is what the lesson I draw.

The ‘“puppeteer” god’ image, had changed very little since my childhood until the time I came for philosophy, for I was taught by my parents and teachers to believe in a God who knew everything and that we just moved according to His plan. I thought I was just an artiste in His play and had to do my part. But philosophy questioned the very roots of my belief. I started questioning myself if life is play, then whatever mistake we do, or whatever blunders, it is according to the script and we cannot be held responsible for it. Then Judas is no guilty of betrayal and Bush no guilty of war on Iraq. All’s perfectly right! Never…it can never be so. I said to myself, as if got up from deep slumber.

The “policeman” god of my childhood, ready to punish me when did wrong, proved a holy fault, when I realized what I was endearing to. The “racist” god who was very much in my genes as being a traditional Mangalorean catholic, fell apart when I was revealed a wholesome picture of God. The Masters of Suspicion did appeal to me very much. The human dignity of Nietzsche, the religious aspect of Freud and the societal concern of Marx in their interpretation of God and religion reveled to me the truth behind the exaggerated lie. I particularly liked Nietzsche for his stand on life and human greatness. Though he did falter, he had a unique message for me in particular. I learnt that a human person is above religion.

Like the Sun............................by R.K. Narayan

Truth, Sekhar reflected, is like the sun. I suppose no human being can ever look it straight in the face without blinking or being dazed. He realized that, morning till night, the essence of human relationships consisted in tempering truth so that it might not shock. This day he set apart as unique day – at least one day in a year we must give and take absolute Truth whatever may happen. Otherwise life is not worth living. The day ahead seemed to him full of possibilities. He told no one of his experiment. It was a quiet resolve, a secret past between him and eternity.

The very first test came while his wife served him his morning meal. He showed hesitation over a tit-bit, which she had thought was her culinary masterpiece. She asked, “Why, isn’t it good?” At other times he would have said, considering her feelings in the matter, “I feel full-up, that’s all.” But today he said, “It isn’t good. I’m unable to swallow it.” He saw her wince and said to himself, “Can’t be helped. Truth is like the sun.”

His next trial was in the common room when one of his colleagues came up and said, “Did you hear of the death of so and so? Don’t you think it a pity?” “No,” Sekhar answered. “He was such a fine man…” the other began. But Sekhar cut him short with: “Far from it. He always struck me as a mean and selfish brute.”

During the last period when he was teaching geography for Form A, Sekhar received a note from the headmaster: “Please see me before you go home.” Sekhar said to himself: It must be about these horrible test papers. A hundred papers in the boys’ scrawls; he had shirked this work for weeks, feeling all the time as if a sword were hanging over his head.

The bell rang and the boys burst out of the class. Sekhar paused for a moment outside the headmaster’s room to button up his coat; that was another subject the headmaster always sermonized about.

He stepped in with a very polite “Good evening, sir.”

The headmaster looked up at him in a very friendly manner and asked, “Are you free this evening?”

Sekhar replied, “Just some outing which I have promised the children at home…”

“Well, you can take them out another day. Come home with me now.”

“Oh… yes, sir, certainly…” And then he added timidly, “Anything special, sir?”

“Yes,” replied the headmaster, smiling to himself… “You didn’t know my weakness for music?”

“Oh, yes, sir…”

“I’ve been learning and practicing secretly, and now I want you to hear me this evening. I’ve engaged a drummer and a violinist to accompany me- this is the first time I’m doing it full-dress and I want your opinion. I know it will be valuable.”

Sekhar’s taste in music was well known. He was one of the most dreaded music critics in the town. But he never anticipated his musical inclinations would lead him to this trail… “Rather a surprise for you isn’t it?” asked the headmaster. “I’ve spent a fortune on it behind doors…” They started for the headmaster’s house. “God hasn’t given me a child, but at least let him not deny me of the consolation of music,” the headmaster said, pathetically, as they walked. He incessantly chattered about how music: how he began one day out of sheer boredom; how his teacher at first laughed at him, and then gave him hope; how his ambition in life was to forget himself in music.

At home the headmaster proved very ingratiating. He sat Sekhar on a red silk carpet, set before him several dishes of delicacies, and fussed over him as if he were a son-in-law of the house. He even said, “Well, you must listen with a free mind. Don’t worry about these test papers.” He added humorously, “I will give you a week’s time.”

“Make it ten days, sir,” Sekhar pleaded.

“All right, granted,” the headmaster said generously. Sekhar felt really relieved now- he would attack them at the rate of ten a day and get rid of the nuisance.

The headmaster lighted incense sticks. ‘Just to create the right atmosphere.” He explained. A drummer and a violinist, already seated on a Rangoon mat, were waiting for him. The headmaster sat down between them like a professional at a concert, cleared his throat, and began an alapana, and paused to ask, “Isn’t it good Kalyani?” Sekhar pretended not to have heard the question. The headmaster went on to sing a full song composed by Thyagaraja and followed it by two more. All the time the headmaster was singing, Sekhar went on commenting within himself, ‘He croaks like a dozen frogs. He is bellowing like a buffalo. Now he sounds like loose window shutters in a storm.’

The incense sticks burnt low. Sekhar’s head throbbed with the medley of sounds that had assailed his ear-drums for a couple of hours now. He felt half stupefied. The headmaster had gone nearly hoarse, when he paused to ask, “Shall I go on?” Sekhar felt greatest pity for him. But he felt he could not help it. No judge delivering a sentence felt more pained and helpless. Sekhar noticed that the headmaster’s wife peeped in from the kitchen, with eager curiosity. The drummer and the violinist put away their burdens with an air of relief. The headmaster removed his spectacles, mopped his brow, and asked, “Now, come out with your opinion.”

“Can’t I give it tomorrow, sir?” Sekhar asked tentatively.

“No. I want it immediately- your frank opinion. Was it good?”

“No, sir…” Sekhar replied.

“Oh! …Is there any use continuing my lessons?”

“Absolutely none, sir…” Sekhar said with his voice trembling. He felt very unhappy that he could not speak more soothingly. Truth, he reflected, required as much strength to give as to receive.

All the way home he felt worried. He felt that his official life was not going to be smooth sailing hereafter. There were questions of increment and confirmation and so on, all depending upon the headmaster’s goodwill. All kinds of worries seemed to be in store for him… Did not Harischandra lose his throne, wife, child, because he would speak nothing less than the absolute Truth whatever happened?

At home his wife served him with a sullen face. He knew she was still angry with him for his remark of the morning. Two casualties for today, Sekhar said to himself. If I practice it for a week, I don’t think I shall have a single friend left.

He received a call from the headmaster in his classroom next day. He went up apprehensively.

“Your suggestion was useful. I have paid off the music master. No one would tell me the truth about my music all these days. Why such antics at my age! Thank you. By the way, what about those test papers?”

“You gave me ten days, sir, for correcting them.”

“Oh, I’ve reconsidered it. I must positively have them here tomorrow…” A hundred papers in a day! That meant all night’s sitting up! “Give me a couple of days, sir…”

“No. I must have them tomorrow morning. And remember, every paper must be thoroughly scrutinized.”

“Yes, sir,” Sekhar said, feeling that sitting up all night with a hundred test papers was a small price to pay for the luxury of practicing truth.

About the Author:The following story, ‘Like the sun’ is taken from R. K. Narayan’s Under the Banyan Tree and Other Stories book. A famous Indian English writer, R. K. Narayan is an enchanter, a waver of words who keeps his audience spellbound with rhythms and haunting images of tales. He has 15 novels, 3 retold legend, 5 collections of his stories, 4 essays apart from his memoirs ‘My days’ and, travel series ‘My Dateless Diary’ and ‘The Emerald Route’.

The Wonder of Creation... That is ME!!!!!!!

This is me… the finite yet infinite, the small yet enormous, the simple yet ambiguous, the weak yet mighty! As Blaise Pascal would say, ‘what a chimera is man… What a contradiction… What a prodigy… The king of the Universe yet a worm compared to all things….!’ As I make a head way into my ‘self search’ I have no other reason, but to accept the ‘me’ that I am and just wonder whether this is the real me. I find no comparisons, I find no allegories. I just am perplexed, who is this ‘me’? Is this the real me… I wonder! I do not have a convincing answer for whatever I ask. I do know a little but much is hidden in the interior of me.

The Course on self understanding has certainly been an eye opener for me as I make my way on a search of who I am. A few things I now see are not me. Yet a mountainous task lies ahead of me to give me a direction. The course in itself has brought me entirely to a new world of my ‘own’. The course as a whole as intrigued in me a curiosity to look into myself as a person who is different among the different! A person who in himself has so much of energy that even drives a crowd around him to swear by him, yet by himself one who thinks of himself as someone worthless……!!!! Here am I venturing on the herculean task of describing myself within the limits of my restricted vocabulary. I may not be able to do justice to the wonder that God has created of me but I will certainly try my best in putting across the uncanny me…

In line with the MBTI analysis I found myself to be an ENFP, an NF with Extroversion and Perception. As the survey goes, only a 5% of the population around found is to be in this category. Something strange yet something unique! May be my strangeness is the reason why I find myself more a mystery, impossible to be understood! Though the initial test revealed me as an ESFJ, I found myself nowhere near to it when I read it. It was the classes that followed that gave me a clear insight into my real character… that I was a typical ENFP. And I have no qualms about it! I found it strange when the analysis revealed me as an extrovert, for I never knew it. When I look back into the yore years of my life, I can’t believe I am an extrovert. But today, after so many years of formation as a Jesuit, I can’t but accept that I am an extrovert, an extrovert to the core. I am a person who is busy with something or other all the time. Being to myself is what turns me restless. I would rather be in the company of a friend or in a group than to myself locked up in a room. Activity is what keeps me going and sometimes I would rather become a workaholic without my knowledge. People are surprised, how do I manage to do so many things, sometimes all together and at other times one after the other. I say, ‘That’s me!’ I am a person who is sociable and easy to approach. And none, who comes to ask for help, goes with a negative answer. Sometimes I become so obsessed with people and their concerns; I, in turn suffer in my own areas. But that’s trifle! For me others are what counts first. This often times becomes a painful task for me either to say ‘no’ or to fulfill the ‘yeses’ that I have promised. I then find myself guilty of ‘treason’. My tendency to blurt it out whatever comes to my mouth may attract people, but it sometimes lands me trouble, when persons get hurt by my comments. Like a typical extrovert, I do, and then think. My actions precede my thoughts.

As for my friends circle, it’s quite a big one. Yet I do find myself attached to one or two with whom I share my life and all that I am. Sometime I tend to be very possessive of my close friends. I believe in friendship and making friends, and believe me, I do it with ease. Somehow people find it rather easy to befriend me and often times are carried away by my so called ‘charming character’. Most of my energy is spent on people than on myself. A fun loving guy that I am nothing energizes me more than a party or a gathering, with lots of friends around. Even after a heavy day of work and toil, however exhausted I may be, speak of a party and I am back to normal. And I can go on and on… Though I do spend considerable time in reflection, others becomes the primary source of my knowledge of self.

I am a person who is highly intuitive and I am of a strong belief that my sixth sense works rather in an astonishingly effective way. I can somehow feel what is coming… what is going on in my friend’s mind…. what the other must be going through….! I depend so extensively on my intuition that sometimes I become too speculative and in the turn of events my conclusions prove to be wrong. Yet a few incidents that have proved my intuition right have given me immense belief in my power of intuition. My fantasy world is something very special of me. With my head in the clouds, fantastic ideas and plans drive me to do anything that enthuses me and worst still; I can inspire and motivate a bunch of idiots around me, even to do it. But the problem arises when my creativity moves like a bullet train. I begin one thing and then before it could be over, move to another! Of course later I see to it that I complete it. My creative expression is something that has always been a characteristic feature of me. I often tend to be poetic when I express myself and it has brought me a lot of friends and appreciation. A poet of my own class, poetic expression comes natural to me. Always imaginative, inspiration is what can get me to work on an idea rather than perspire.

I am a person who would rather go with the heart than mind. I am emotionally rich and very intimate. When my heart speaks that’s the last word. When my heart moves, tears find their place rather spontaneously on my eyes. Anything emotional, thrilling and tragic can set my heart pulsing and my eyes wet. Empathy and compassion is what makes me more people oriented and personal, to the extent of committing myself to them. I am a person who is in constant search of authenticity and identity. My search for self and meaning in life is what always keeps me wondering at things around me and my own self. If I were to judge a criminal I would rather be merciful and give the person a chance to improve than condemn the person. Person is what matters for me most and not structures or rules. Rules and regulations can’t work with me or rather I can’t work with them around me. Freedom is what can bring the best out of me. I would go to the extent of breaking any rule that would hinder me from doing what I feel is right. My only value is not the love of the rule but rule of love. What makes people easy to work with me or relate with me is that I am flexible and can adapt to people and situations quite well. With an open ended approach to life, I just let it happen than plan, set goals and brew over things. When it comes to decision making, be it a group or personal one, I go treasure hunting and find it rather difficult to come to a conclusion. Deadlines are always dead for me. I always push things forward, with an attitude of ‘plenty-of-time-to-go’ and when the actual time comes, rush down to work at the last minute and believe it or not, do it extremely well, which many a times leaves people finger on their nose and me too. Leadership comes natural to me, and I do it with joy. I can convince people of my ideas and get things done. But when it comes to work under someone and work with other’s plans, I backtrack. Though I do it with compulsion I do not really enjoy it.

To conclude, as I began, I find myself in at crossroads when it comes to understand me. Though I expect people to give me feedback, I find it extremely tough to accept it. May the day my ‘up in the clouds’ life vanishes like a mist, would be thrown down into reality, I would encounter the real ‘ME’ and then may collapse to my feet! However, the course in itself has been a time of pilgrimage for me, a yatra into myself and a darshan of my inner self. I have stumbled upon myself in the dark and I have found it as a diamond in the light (of the course). My sincere thanks to Sr. Daisy for initiating me into this journey.