The Wonder of Creation... That is ME!!!!!!!

This is me… the finite yet infinite, the small yet enormous, the simple yet ambiguous, the weak yet mighty! As Blaise Pascal would say, ‘what a chimera is man… What a contradiction… What a prodigy… The king of the Universe yet a worm compared to all things….!’ As I make a head way into my ‘self search’ I have no other reason, but to accept the ‘me’ that I am and just wonder whether this is the real me. I find no comparisons, I find no allegories. I just am perplexed, who is this ‘me’? Is this the real me… I wonder! I do not have a convincing answer for whatever I ask. I do know a little but much is hidden in the interior of me.

The Course on self understanding has certainly been an eye opener for me as I make my way on a search of who I am. A few things I now see are not me. Yet a mountainous task lies ahead of me to give me a direction. The course in itself has brought me entirely to a new world of my ‘own’. The course as a whole as intrigued in me a curiosity to look into myself as a person who is different among the different! A person who in himself has so much of energy that even drives a crowd around him to swear by him, yet by himself one who thinks of himself as someone worthless……!!!! Here am I venturing on the herculean task of describing myself within the limits of my restricted vocabulary. I may not be able to do justice to the wonder that God has created of me but I will certainly try my best in putting across the uncanny me…

In line with the MBTI analysis I found myself to be an ENFP, an NF with Extroversion and Perception. As the survey goes, only a 5% of the population around found is to be in this category. Something strange yet something unique! May be my strangeness is the reason why I find myself more a mystery, impossible to be understood! Though the initial test revealed me as an ESFJ, I found myself nowhere near to it when I read it. It was the classes that followed that gave me a clear insight into my real character… that I was a typical ENFP. And I have no qualms about it! I found it strange when the analysis revealed me as an extrovert, for I never knew it. When I look back into the yore years of my life, I can’t believe I am an extrovert. But today, after so many years of formation as a Jesuit, I can’t but accept that I am an extrovert, an extrovert to the core. I am a person who is busy with something or other all the time. Being to myself is what turns me restless. I would rather be in the company of a friend or in a group than to myself locked up in a room. Activity is what keeps me going and sometimes I would rather become a workaholic without my knowledge. People are surprised, how do I manage to do so many things, sometimes all together and at other times one after the other. I say, ‘That’s me!’ I am a person who is sociable and easy to approach. And none, who comes to ask for help, goes with a negative answer. Sometimes I become so obsessed with people and their concerns; I, in turn suffer in my own areas. But that’s trifle! For me others are what counts first. This often times becomes a painful task for me either to say ‘no’ or to fulfill the ‘yeses’ that I have promised. I then find myself guilty of ‘treason’. My tendency to blurt it out whatever comes to my mouth may attract people, but it sometimes lands me trouble, when persons get hurt by my comments. Like a typical extrovert, I do, and then think. My actions precede my thoughts.

As for my friends circle, it’s quite a big one. Yet I do find myself attached to one or two with whom I share my life and all that I am. Sometime I tend to be very possessive of my close friends. I believe in friendship and making friends, and believe me, I do it with ease. Somehow people find it rather easy to befriend me and often times are carried away by my so called ‘charming character’. Most of my energy is spent on people than on myself. A fun loving guy that I am nothing energizes me more than a party or a gathering, with lots of friends around. Even after a heavy day of work and toil, however exhausted I may be, speak of a party and I am back to normal. And I can go on and on… Though I do spend considerable time in reflection, others becomes the primary source of my knowledge of self.

I am a person who is highly intuitive and I am of a strong belief that my sixth sense works rather in an astonishingly effective way. I can somehow feel what is coming… what is going on in my friend’s mind…. what the other must be going through….! I depend so extensively on my intuition that sometimes I become too speculative and in the turn of events my conclusions prove to be wrong. Yet a few incidents that have proved my intuition right have given me immense belief in my power of intuition. My fantasy world is something very special of me. With my head in the clouds, fantastic ideas and plans drive me to do anything that enthuses me and worst still; I can inspire and motivate a bunch of idiots around me, even to do it. But the problem arises when my creativity moves like a bullet train. I begin one thing and then before it could be over, move to another! Of course later I see to it that I complete it. My creative expression is something that has always been a characteristic feature of me. I often tend to be poetic when I express myself and it has brought me a lot of friends and appreciation. A poet of my own class, poetic expression comes natural to me. Always imaginative, inspiration is what can get me to work on an idea rather than perspire.

I am a person who would rather go with the heart than mind. I am emotionally rich and very intimate. When my heart speaks that’s the last word. When my heart moves, tears find their place rather spontaneously on my eyes. Anything emotional, thrilling and tragic can set my heart pulsing and my eyes wet. Empathy and compassion is what makes me more people oriented and personal, to the extent of committing myself to them. I am a person who is in constant search of authenticity and identity. My search for self and meaning in life is what always keeps me wondering at things around me and my own self. If I were to judge a criminal I would rather be merciful and give the person a chance to improve than condemn the person. Person is what matters for me most and not structures or rules. Rules and regulations can’t work with me or rather I can’t work with them around me. Freedom is what can bring the best out of me. I would go to the extent of breaking any rule that would hinder me from doing what I feel is right. My only value is not the love of the rule but rule of love. What makes people easy to work with me or relate with me is that I am flexible and can adapt to people and situations quite well. With an open ended approach to life, I just let it happen than plan, set goals and brew over things. When it comes to decision making, be it a group or personal one, I go treasure hunting and find it rather difficult to come to a conclusion. Deadlines are always dead for me. I always push things forward, with an attitude of ‘plenty-of-time-to-go’ and when the actual time comes, rush down to work at the last minute and believe it or not, do it extremely well, which many a times leaves people finger on their nose and me too. Leadership comes natural to me, and I do it with joy. I can convince people of my ideas and get things done. But when it comes to work under someone and work with other’s plans, I backtrack. Though I do it with compulsion I do not really enjoy it.

To conclude, as I began, I find myself in at crossroads when it comes to understand me. Though I expect people to give me feedback, I find it extremely tough to accept it. May the day my ‘up in the clouds’ life vanishes like a mist, would be thrown down into reality, I would encounter the real ‘ME’ and then may collapse to my feet! However, the course in itself has been a time of pilgrimage for me, a yatra into myself and a darshan of my inner self. I have stumbled upon myself in the dark and I have found it as a diamond in the light (of the course). My sincere thanks to Sr. Daisy for initiating me into this journey.