God as I knew Him....
“Ye deva, mogala tharoka, srushti aani munshya rosnara, tuje sorshi yevnk asheta” (O God, so loving and provident, creator of the universe and all human beings, I long to come to you- the first prayer I learnt and the base of my understanding of God)
Little did I know what I was meant to be,
The little nascent feelings of the early kid hood!
God, man or animal mattered nothing but a farce of a finitude
It was a blank sketch of an unseen future, perhaps never dreamt
The moment I stepped into the ‘dark world’ as it seemed,
Breath held me at sway with life to fight against with me.
It was entry of an unknown kind, a mistake by His hesitant hands
The first three days in the Intense care unit marked my beginning
Driving my dear ones to nothing but hope in Him who alone could save
Strange it looks but true it is the seed of faith I seem to have planted
The prayers did were answered of a faith unprecedented,
Life was what I came back to with another life of a tiny tot
They loved me, they held me tight to heart never did they let me down
It was a gift of million worth, of joy that could never be bought
Yes! I met Him there in those fine moments and asked Him who HE was?
No answer did he give but a smile profound
And left it to my dear ones to help me discover the mystery so surmount
Thus began the journey of this pilgrim in search of Him, who He meant it to be?
Memories so sweet go back to my granny’s lap,
Where the first alphabets of the so called ‘religion’ I learnt
Stories she did tell from The Book with style no one can match
Adam and Eve, Abel and Cain, and Noah and Moses were her famous characters
Style so unique, with which she reveal to me the history of the Israel and their God,
And then she would say with awe so frightening how meticulous was our God.
I grew to believe that He must be fearsome, strict, watching over us day and night
With goodies to shower when we do good and wrath of anger when we went awry
Yes! A grandpa God was what I dreamt God to be, with beard long and white.
My first prayers taught me of Him, who was big, unreachable, high in the clouds,
And when we prayed I looked up into the clouds if I could have a glimpse of Him whom they adored.
When violent sea roared at the backyard it meant God was angry and fear went down the spine
When thunder and lightening struck, it revealed His form so furious,
With tears and trembling, we fell on our knees and pleaded to be spared from harm
Every time I did wrong, a strange fear came upon me,
For I thought He was watching over me and would punish!
Years rolled by and so did my concept of God!
At doors of the Parish Church and between the four walls of school,
I came to know Him, and learn of a God, who was not just a grandfather!
My Teacher in my Sunday school introduced me to a God who was loving and caring
She told me of the God of the New Testament in Jesus, a God who came down for us
As I grew I couldn’t but forget my old God and believe in my new found faith
He became my God, always there to listen to me and when I faltered forgive me
When there were confessions, it meant a serious duty to wash my dirty lines.
There was no fear that sent me on my knees, but a fear that brought me close.
On my communion, they said, ‘Jesus has come into you’, but I was disappointed
The host and the wine which I thought would be tasty and sweet proved no good.
When I was given the sacrament of confirmation, they said Holy Spirit would come
It made me feel strange sensations in my being,
And every time I felt chill or shiver I thought it was the Holy Spirit!
Stepping into the doors the novitiate saw a sea of change in my relation to God.
There did I meet Him so closely that everything changed,
‘Oh God!’ turned to ‘my God’ and with it every bit of my faith!
My mentors took me to the heart of Him whom I sought
Whom I adored and whom I historically misspelt!
I knew Him yet I knew Him not…I met Him yet I touched Him not…
The God of the Exercises took me by surprise,
For the first time I closed my eyes in deep pause and did get shaken
A storm broke out in the sea of my inner cathedral…
For the First time I sighed with tears in my eyes, ‘My God and my Lord….!’
He became me friend, my companion, my master and my lover.
The day I remember so bright in my side, I fought with myself a battle apart
I opened my history, of dark days and foils to my novice master dear
I thought he would banish me from the order of the fine
Nay…He did in turn tell me, ‘Rayan, He hath called thee,
Thou art found worthy of His sight, He hath erased the blemish of thy past!’
Joy unbound did I feel of my life, I ran to the Alter to thank my God.
He became my darling, my everything, my life…
He remained my single beloved until I crept into the world of the lovers of wisdom!
Plato, Aristotle, Socrates and Augustine, Kant, Descartes, Pascal and Thomas
Nietzsche, Sartre, Freud and Marx, Cyril, Therukkatil, Subhash and Karu
All confused the entire God of mine; all made the Kichdie of my faith so fine
Something struck hard, I felt on my head… ‘Where am?’ I shook myself.
Being, Sacred, soul and body; natural, real, phenomenological and metaphysical
Upheaval rose in the depth of my being, at once I said, ‘There is no God!’
Thus began a journey benign, into the dark tunnel in search of light
Flickering light sometime it showed, while darkness unbound every where strode
Poverty, liberation, hunger and violence; Hinduism, Jainism, Buddhism and Islam
Sent a message deep into my whines… ‘Ah God! Who are you?’ I asked my God.
From God to no God to God again I travel…
I search for Him; I hope to find Him….
And continue my digging….deep….deep…still deep……!
Little did I know what I was meant to be,
The little nascent feelings of the early kid hood!
God, man or animal mattered nothing but a farce of a finitude
It was a blank sketch of an unseen future, perhaps never dreamt
The moment I stepped into the ‘dark world’ as it seemed,
Breath held me at sway with life to fight against with me.
It was entry of an unknown kind, a mistake by His hesitant hands
The first three days in the Intense care unit marked my beginning
Driving my dear ones to nothing but hope in Him who alone could save
Strange it looks but true it is the seed of faith I seem to have planted
The prayers did were answered of a faith unprecedented,
Life was what I came back to with another life of a tiny tot
They loved me, they held me tight to heart never did they let me down
It was a gift of million worth, of joy that could never be bought
Yes! I met Him there in those fine moments and asked Him who HE was?
No answer did he give but a smile profound
And left it to my dear ones to help me discover the mystery so surmount
Thus began the journey of this pilgrim in search of Him, who He meant it to be?
Memories so sweet go back to my granny’s lap,
Where the first alphabets of the so called ‘religion’ I learnt
Stories she did tell from The Book with style no one can match
Adam and Eve, Abel and Cain, and Noah and Moses were her famous characters
Style so unique, with which she reveal to me the history of the Israel and their God,
And then she would say with awe so frightening how meticulous was our God.
I grew to believe that He must be fearsome, strict, watching over us day and night
With goodies to shower when we do good and wrath of anger when we went awry
Yes! A grandpa God was what I dreamt God to be, with beard long and white.
My first prayers taught me of Him, who was big, unreachable, high in the clouds,
And when we prayed I looked up into the clouds if I could have a glimpse of Him whom they adored.
When violent sea roared at the backyard it meant God was angry and fear went down the spine
When thunder and lightening struck, it revealed His form so furious,
With tears and trembling, we fell on our knees and pleaded to be spared from harm
Every time I did wrong, a strange fear came upon me,
For I thought He was watching over me and would punish!
Years rolled by and so did my concept of God!
At doors of the Parish Church and between the four walls of school,
I came to know Him, and learn of a God, who was not just a grandfather!
My Teacher in my Sunday school introduced me to a God who was loving and caring
She told me of the God of the New Testament in Jesus, a God who came down for us
As I grew I couldn’t but forget my old God and believe in my new found faith
He became my God, always there to listen to me and when I faltered forgive me
When there were confessions, it meant a serious duty to wash my dirty lines.
There was no fear that sent me on my knees, but a fear that brought me close.
On my communion, they said, ‘Jesus has come into you’, but I was disappointed
The host and the wine which I thought would be tasty and sweet proved no good.
When I was given the sacrament of confirmation, they said Holy Spirit would come
It made me feel strange sensations in my being,
And every time I felt chill or shiver I thought it was the Holy Spirit!
Stepping into the doors the novitiate saw a sea of change in my relation to God.
There did I meet Him so closely that everything changed,
‘Oh God!’ turned to ‘my God’ and with it every bit of my faith!
My mentors took me to the heart of Him whom I sought
Whom I adored and whom I historically misspelt!
I knew Him yet I knew Him not…I met Him yet I touched Him not…
The God of the Exercises took me by surprise,
For the first time I closed my eyes in deep pause and did get shaken
A storm broke out in the sea of my inner cathedral…
For the First time I sighed with tears in my eyes, ‘My God and my Lord….!’
He became me friend, my companion, my master and my lover.
The day I remember so bright in my side, I fought with myself a battle apart
I opened my history, of dark days and foils to my novice master dear
I thought he would banish me from the order of the fine
Nay…He did in turn tell me, ‘Rayan, He hath called thee,
Thou art found worthy of His sight, He hath erased the blemish of thy past!’
Joy unbound did I feel of my life, I ran to the Alter to thank my God.
He became my darling, my everything, my life…
He remained my single beloved until I crept into the world of the lovers of wisdom!
Plato, Aristotle, Socrates and Augustine, Kant, Descartes, Pascal and Thomas
Nietzsche, Sartre, Freud and Marx, Cyril, Therukkatil, Subhash and Karu
All confused the entire God of mine; all made the Kichdie of my faith so fine
Something struck hard, I felt on my head… ‘Where am?’ I shook myself.
Being, Sacred, soul and body; natural, real, phenomenological and metaphysical
Upheaval rose in the depth of my being, at once I said, ‘There is no God!’
Thus began a journey benign, into the dark tunnel in search of light
Flickering light sometime it showed, while darkness unbound every where strode
Poverty, liberation, hunger and violence; Hinduism, Jainism, Buddhism and Islam
Sent a message deep into my whines… ‘Ah God! Who are you?’ I asked my God.
From God to no God to God again I travel…
I search for Him; I hope to find Him….
And continue my digging….deep….deep…still deep……!
God as I know Him now…
On the path of evolution, my understanding of God has, for a greater extent, evolved rather than purified, for I wouldn’t agree for a pure concept of God. Perhaps it can never be there! I settle for the search of a God, who is ever changing and never static. He is a changing phenomenon for me, though permanent that He is. From the Ancient Ages where God was believed to be living high in the clouds, an entire new concept of the One Sacred across all religions has evolved in the Modern Age. Today it’s God, here and now. And so is my understanding of God.
I do have made a progress along the way of my faith pilgrimage, in coming to an ever renewed vision of God, which are the fruits of my philosophical reflection and the class inputs. Listening and interacting with friends and teachers, I stand in position not just to take a reasonable risk as Cyril would say, but taking St Ignatius’ Discernment into consideration and follow a decisive discernment in choosing what is more optimistic. From the fences of childish faith to the barracks of adolescence, my faith in, and image of God, has grown the feathers of time and truth to soar into the skies of adult faith, on the wings of freedom and in search of a ever greater ‘Sacred’, who is within and in every animate being.
Pondering over the popular idols of God in the philosophy of religion, I do find certain truth in each one of them, though as idols apart they stand in exaggeration. I believe that these images of God are not self founded and believed by any individual with conviction. But fed into the individual across years of innocence and ignorance and enforced by others who in turn themselves had followed the aforementioned process. Thus I insist on taking them as mistakes of ignorance and like from every mistake, draw the spark of truth and develop a concept which is deeply personal and appealing to reason and faith, after decisive discernment.
I myself have been part of this faith forming process which has helped me to come home to the shore of the great leap of faith wherein I can say with confidence that I do have a concept of God, which not just knowing but one which has gone through the test of fire and has emerged from a decisive discernment. The “aspirin” god is a god in need only. (God in need is God indeed!!!) but if we were to go with the quoted text- ‘to drive away spiritual “headache”’-, I think all should have gone to Him, in today’s world, every now and then. For in the very depth of every human being there is a ‘spiritual headache’ which creates a need for God. There will be people in the future who perhaps may find it impossible to survive without this pill of ‘aspirin god’, like they do on sleeping pills!!! The point I want to make is that though much of the aspirin god stands in derision, we can’t deny that there is an ounce of truth in it too. And the truth is that we need god! And the realization that not only in pain but at all times to feel the need for Him is what the lesson I draw.
The ‘“puppeteer” god’ image, had changed very little since my childhood until the time I came for philosophy, for I was taught by my parents and teachers to believe in a God who knew everything and that we just moved according to His plan. I thought I was just an artiste in His play and had to do my part. But philosophy questioned the very roots of my belief. I started questioning myself if life is play, then whatever mistake we do, or whatever blunders, it is according to the script and we cannot be held responsible for it. Then Judas is no guilty of betrayal and Bush no guilty of war on Iraq. All’s perfectly right! Never…it can never be so. I said to myself, as if got up from deep slumber.
The “policeman” god of my childhood, ready to punish me when did wrong, proved a holy fault, when I realized what I was endearing to. The “racist” god who was very much in my genes as being a traditional Mangalorean catholic, fell apart when I was revealed a wholesome picture of God. The Masters of Suspicion did appeal to me very much. The human dignity of Nietzsche, the religious aspect of Freud and the societal concern of Marx in their interpretation of God and religion reveled to me the truth behind the exaggerated lie. I particularly liked Nietzsche for his stand on life and human greatness. Though he did falter, he had a unique message for me in particular. I learnt that a human person is above religion.
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